Wednesday, May 4, 2016

The day I lost control of me

I'm looking at the calendar and I can't help to notice that the day is almost here. The anniversary of the day I lost control of me. The day I miscarried my only child.

It was Cinco de Mayo 2015. I sat alone in the bathroom floor, still sweaty from a strenuous leg workout and after having eaten almost a bottle of Tums, the results where finally in. The stick didn't lie...I was pregnant.

"Impossible" I thought, as I tried to recall the exact day when that one little determined swimmer reached its goal resulting in now this life invading my body.

I wish I could tell you I was super excited, and that all my childhood dreams of becoming a mother came true at that moment. Not so much. 

Over the years I had convinced myself that motherhood was not meant for me.

You see, this girl grew up focused on surviving life and just making it through college. I learned very early on from my mamma, that I needed an education so that "I could stand on my own and depend on no one to sustain me"..."you'll never know when you'll be left alone to care for yourself".

So I did just that.

I graduated, climb the ladder, and focused on my next move [not that simple of a process...but enough for this blog]. All throughout, a series of failed relationships were a clear indicator to me that a happily-ever-after that included a loving husband, a yellow house with a white picket fence, two dogs and a kid was just not part of God's plan for me.  

So, I embraced my self-proclaimed destiny as a career woman, and put the thought of ever becoming a mother neatly, securely, safely out of the way tucked into some dark crevice of my mind...and then a little deeper, locked and keys out of sight. 

The only thing that could potentially ever make me reconsider becoming a mom was finding a good, faithful, loving, God-fearing husband. Ha! Good luck to me.

But God.

He hacked into my E-Harmony account and planted Jeff right in front of me. Jeff's profile was under a heading of suggestions that did not exactly fit all my requirements, but just enough for the E-harmony powers to determine he was good enough to check out. So I did...and I liked it...and I sent a smiley face. 

E-Harmony didn't think we were the 'perfect' fit, but I had a...let's call it...a "Frances' ideal man requirements' wish list" I had prayed to God to bring to my life some day.  I remember the day I prayed for this 'ideal' man. I believe my exact words to God were "Seriously, how difficult can this be for You?...Amen."

So we married...
    and Jeff dreamed of a family...
         and I freaked out.

It just so happened that I grew very comfortable with life as it had been. The thought of motherhood was asleep, and it didn't bother me to keep it there. We have been enjoying life together, super busy with ministry and work, and plus we had a tight budget. Why not keep it like that?

But, I remembered my promise to myself. He was the right man, a gift from my heavenly father, and obviously a man that would be an incredible father. So...I took a deep breath, had the fight with my selfish self, and asked the Lord to help me through my fears. And because He loves to take me out of my comfy places, He went right to work.

Of course it had to happen this way. After a few months of intentionally pursuing to get pregnant without any luck...the moment we decided to forget about it, it happened.

Sitting there in the bathroom floor, stunned, I was taken and forced into the most uncomfortable place I never thought I would be. In a matter of 3 minutes, I had to come to grips with the idea that this was my reality...WAIT, OUR reality! Jeff...I needed to tell Jeff! {Insert hyperventilation here}.

I knew Jeff would be ecstatic. So, I picked up myself from the floor, regained my composure, and made a plan. [At least SOMETHING had to be planned in this scenario for my own mental well-being!]

I took Jeff to the beach...where he proposed. I told him...

I'd never seen his blue eyes so wide opened.
A guy who doesn't usually lack words was speechless. And this girl who usually has to have time to process thoughts before speaking, couldn't shut up. 

The immediate words out of my mouth undressed my soul, revealing my innermost fears...
"I'm scared, and I don't know if I will be a good mom. Please just don't leave me" 
And just like that...this woman who once depended on no man stood there, holding her heart wide open, totally vulnerable.

He held me as I cried tears of joy mixed with tears of fear and uncertainty, while the poor guy struggled to feel excited while also comfort the hot mess of a wife he had in front of him.

We named the little life Blueberry. As that's the size he was when we found out of his life. - "His" because I was convinced it was a boy.

The following four weeks went by as fast and as furious as an afternoon summer storm can pass by.

We went for the first ultrasound at what I thought was the eighth to ninth week of pregnancy. There was 'something' there, a little spec of white in a whole lot of darkness. But instead of hearing the baby's heartbeat, we were confronted with the news that we had to wait a week to know if there was actualy life.

The wait. 

"Will it grow?
I feel changes, I must still be pregnant.
Am I still pregnant?
Did I drink too much coffee?
Maybe it was the mimosa I had before I knew I was pregnant. Or....maybe that darn heavy leg day!
But, I still need to pee every 30 minutes, and I am tired as heck.

Perhaps....its all ok.

But if its not...Lord, either way, I WILL choose to trust your ways are perfect. Save Blueberry, but if you don't, I will remain faithfully Yours and You will always be good."

I knew this was the time for me to surrender to God. I had no control over me, or the life of my child. My faith, my commitment and trust in God were put to the test.

Will I trust Him? Will I continue to believe He loves me, that He is good and perfect in all and always?

As I ponder this questions in the quiet lonely moments of the morning, I found myself reflecting on when Mary, the mother of Jesus, surrendered to God's will, "I am the Lord’s servant,” she said in complete trust. 

She knew her life was not hers, her purpose was His purpose.

Then, a few words from a familiar story resounded in my mind and gripped my heart; "the God whom we serve is able to save us. [...]But even if he doesn’t...” (Daniel 3:16:20). 

This time I was facing my own fiery furnace. So I prayed the Lord to save my child's life, and resolved in my mind and heart that even if He didn't I would not stop worshiping my King. 

Seven days passed. The tech pressed the cold wand over my belly, in a desperately-calm kind of way. Her face...She didn't have to say a word.

Silence.  It certainly can be deafening.

Then the official verdict. "IT is no longer there. Spontaneous miscarriage. There was NEVER anything there".

              What?!...I saw it, I felt changes, I still feel sick. What did I do? 

I never doubted God's goodness...I doubted mine. 

I waged war with endless streams of self-defeating thoughts that overwhelmed me, because of course I believed this was my fault.

Oh, the enemy doesn't waste an opened door to sow seeds of doubt and shame!

We had to carry on life as usual for three more days before the procedure to "clean" me from what remained.

But, my body had other plans. It seemed as it suddenly realized what had happened, and in a fierce act of rebellion and grieve it threw me into the most painful 34 hours of my life.

Journal: May 31st, 8:46am: 
My body decided not to wait and I started to miscarry naturally. Going on since yesterday. Getting a bit more painful as time goes. Nothing to do but wait. Jeff and I both feel that God is up to something big. So in the midst of this literal pain...I'm in hopeful expectation. Feeling privilege (in a weird way) to be in this painful trial as I know God will not let this be for nothing. He is doing something in me too...I feel it.

I carried life. I felt death. Every inch of my body hurt, and it mourned.

But God.

He stepped in the middle of my darkness to shine His light.

God showed up through my husband's bedside prayers that made me feel safe and loved.
God showed up in the loving embrace of friends and the women who knew my pain.
God showed up through nurse Frances, who made me laugh but also cried with me as I was wheeled out of my room.
God showed up through the unknown man who held my hand and said "I will be with you all the way" moments after I cried out to the Lord for His presence.
God showed up in the darkest of moments through my husband, who spoke words of life over me when everything in me said "it's my fault".

And then this promise...

4 He will wipe away all tears from their eyes. There will be no more death, no more grief or crying or pain. The old things have disappeared.”
5 Then the one who sits on the throne said, “And now I make all things new!” He also said to me, “Write this, because these words are true and can be trusted.” 6 And he said, “It is done! I am the first and the last, the beginning and the end. To anyone who is thirsty I will give the right to drink from the spring of the water of life without paying for it. 7 Those who win the victory will receive this from me: I will be their God, and they will be my children. Revelation 21:4-7
Today, almost a year later I still remember vividly almost every detail of May 2015. The month that once I thought of being the worst ever, I now remember as the one through which I learned the most about God's mercies, His love and the transforming power in our soul that can come from sufferings if we hold on tight of all we know is True of God.
Today, after the numerous struggles that followed, and the ocassional mourning of my soul's remembrance, we've found peace in knowing that one day our little one will receive us in heaven. Perfect and whole. 
The day I lost control of me, was the day we both understood that our lives, our bodies, and our purposes are all in His hands. To come to this understanding is humbling,it continually brings us to our knees in worship, and gives greater purpose and meaning to our days. 
There is life, there is love, and there is perfect peace and freedom in surrendering to the Lord and holding on to His promises. It's a journey, its a beautiful daily struggle where we are continually shaped into His likeness from glory to glory.


  1. Frances, thank you so much my sweet sister in Christ for sharing such intimate details of your soul. I thank God for the strength it took you to open those doors and unlock those places so that you might help hundreds maybe thousands of women, mothers and fathers through the pain of miscarriage. God has big plans for you and Jeff. Our Father in all HIS wisdom and perfection will provide. God bless you and Jeff. In Christs Amazing Love and Grace, your Sister In Christ, Suzie Reihl

  2. Frances, this is so beautiful; so raw and filled with emotion. Thank you for sharing your story my friend. The words the Lord has given you will bring hope to the many who read them.